Tuesday, October 07, 2014

 
Next week on Crazy Cat ConvosHaving read an article on cat communication, MEL decides to 'slow blink' at GRAHAM.

GRAHAM slow-blinks back.

MEL tries again in case this was a random occurrence, like the time she clicked her fingers and he leapt onto the footpath couch.

GRAHAM slow-blinks back again.

MEL: It works, puff! It works!

GRAHAM: *purrs*

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

 
Next week on Crazy Cat Convos: Preppiness pays off for our heroes!

MEL (unpacking groceries): I'm glad I wore boat shoes today, puffy Graham. It's the right weather for them!

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GRAHAM: *intense purring*

MEL: These aren't cat groceries, Graham!

GRAHAM: (urgently) Miaow!

MEL takes her damp boat shoes off. GRAHAM excitedly paws at the laces.

MEL: Stop it Graham! What is it with you and shoelaces? They're not mousey tails! (thoughtful pause) Actually, they are the closest thing to mousey tails, really.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

 
External brain: 1. Internal brain: 0. I was racking my brain trying to remember the name (now very un-PC) for people with iodine deficiency.

"Moron," my brain kept saying.
"No brain, that isn't it."
"Moron."
"Just relax, don't think so hard. I know you know this. It'll float up soon…"
"Moron! Moron moron!"

I gave up and used my external brain. The word I was looking for is cretin.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

 
Fifteen sounds. My Facebook friend Tom (or, more precisely, his mate) came up with this meme. I love this and am stealing it.

Instead of 15 books or albums or films that are important, 15 sounds. Not to say the other things are unimportant, but sound makes me think about the enjoyable moments of life in more granular detail. These will change with time, but right now, I pick…

1. A cat purring
2. A distant train horn
3. Ocean waves on a beach
4. The glug-glug of the first wine from a bottle
5. Footsteps on a hard floor such as marble
6. Rain on a tin roof (in fact, rain on any surface)
7. That ethereal ping when a basketball is bounced
8. The rustle of leaves in a breeze
9. A bubbling creek or fountain
10. The deliberate, mechanical whirr of a CD or DVD tray opening and closing
11. Hair clippers buzzing through hair ("neeeeeee-ow")
12. A car reversing at high speed going "Rrr-rr-rrr-rr"
13. The swishing sound of a heavy silk skirt or dress
14. Corduroy pants when you're walking: "vhip-vhip-vhip"
15. Magpie calls (terrifying birds, lovely song – it says 'morning' to me)

A close 16th: the sound of a cricket ball being batted: "pok". If nothing else this is a great exercise in onomatopoeia.

Two of my favourite sounds are happening right now as Graham purrs on my lap and rain falls on the roof.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

 
Next week on Crazy Cat Convos: THE HORROR, THE HORROR.

It's always bad news when MEL catches GRAHAM trotting purposefully into the house, and then trotting back out again a few seconds later. MEL gets up from her desk to see GRAHAM standing in the middle of the living room rug with a large MOUSE in his mouth. MEL leaps from her chair.

MEL: No mouse in the house! No mouse in the house!

GRAHAM: *obediently turns tail and trots outside with his mouse*

The MOUSE skitters back inside and hides behind GRAHAM's litter tray.

MEL: NO MOUSE IN THE HOUSE!!

MEL pushes the litter tray aside. The MOUSE is cowering, breathing heavily, intestines poking from a large wound in its side.

MEL: OH GOD! GRAHAM!

GRAHAM: *nonchalant miaow*

MEL moves the litter tray so the MOUSE has nowhere to hide. Maybe GRAHAM will now take it outside. Instead, he flops down to watch the MOUSE cower in the corner, smearing blood over the wall.

MEL: OH GOD THE MOUSE IS LEAPING IN THE AIR TRYING TO ESCAPE! IT'S TERRIBLE!

MEL: OH SHIT IT SOMEHOW SQUEEZED UNDER THE BATHROOM DOOR! IT'S IN THE BATHROOM NOW

MEL: OH GOD IT WENT UNDER THE DOOR FROM THE BATHROOM TO MY STUDY! IT'S HIDING UNDER A COPY OF OVERLAND!

MEL picks mouse up by the tail (which is poking out from the magazine) and puts it in the compost bin.

GRAHAM sits stupidly on the bathroom scales observing MEL get the mouse out by the tail. He currently weighs 5.7kg.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

 
Next week, on Crazy Cat Convos: a fun game of Roast Cat! (game invented by Tom Hawking)

MEL: (fearsome roar) ROAST CAT!

GRAHAM darts across living room and hides in doorway to bathroom. MEL chases GRAHAM with deliberately loud, ogre-like steps.

MEL: (bloodcurdling growl) ROAAAAAAAST CAT!

GRAHAM leaps onto sofa, scuttles along the back of it, jumps off and past his pursuer, hides behind armchair. MEL easily pulls him out and picks him up.

MEL: You're not even trying, roasty.

GRAHAM: *purrs*

Monday, September 15, 2014

 
Next week, on Crazy Cat Convos…

MEL: Okay, now we're all going to have a cup of tea!

(pause)

Well, I'm going to have a cup of tea. Graham's going to have nothing!

(laughs uproariously)

GRAHAM: *sad mew*

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