Tuesday, April 06, 2004

The Incredible Melk: The Movie. More vintage email. In this one, from 2002, I fantasise about starring in my own hip hop movie. In case you're not aware, one of my pet projects is becoming a rap star called The Incredible Melk …

I'm thinking I would play the Melk of course, nobody else could do me justice except perhaps Reese Witherspoon or for that trashy booty ho look, Tara Reid. Or perhaps the chick who plays Michelle scully off neighbours. The plot would be that a mild-mannered Cultural Studies student gets trapped in a photocopying room with too much ozone in the toner cartridges, and gets endowed with stupendous rhyming skills and a superhuman ability to bust a move. Also she can make wry self-referential cultural comments. She has to take on the ferociously boring Prime Minister, John Ho'Ward and his cabinet of evil flunkies who want to introduce a GST on fun. The film culminates in a breakdancing duel between the Melk and John Ho'Ward at Woomera detention centre (sort of like the basketball court in White Men can't Jump, all asphalt and chainlink fence) and of course there'll be a mandatory love interest, perhaps a member of Ho'Ward's coalition whom the Melk turns 'street'. When the Melk wins she has a triumphant ticker-tape parade down Little Collins Street and becomes Melbourne University's Dean of the Fun Faculty.

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