Sunday, April 18, 2004

Things that made me laugh this week. As you may realise, this week's entries have not been particularly whimsical. It wasn't a good week: apart from The Boy rejecting me, I discovered one of my lesser crushes has a girlfriend, which makes the crush no fun anymore, I had a haircut to try and cheer myself up and came out looking like a member of Motley Crüe, my phone was disconnected cos I forgot to pay the bill, I smashed the glass on an enormous framed picture, and another publisher rejected my book.

"But it's not so bad cos you're wearing a good outfit today, right?" said Gemma hopefully. Hmmm, what was I wearing on Friday? I had an aqua-and-black striped t-shirt with a wide scooped neck, my silver crucifix earrings, my black studded belt, a black silk knee-length skirt and my black patent hooker heels. I had to dress conservatively cos I was going to the theatre with my parents, but as it turned out, half the audience was wearing jeans anyway.

But I digress. I should put that on a t-shirt, along with "Do you know what really gives me the shits?" I'm sick of nobody I know ever digging the t-shirt slogans I come up with, like "Puttin' Out for Jesus", "Goolies Week" and "Will Dance Even When Sober". How will my Melkwear hip-hop brand (every rap star must have one) ever take off?

That last paragraph actually wasn't much of a digression after all, because despite my friends consoling me that my "sense of humour" is attractive, nobody ever seems to find things funny the way I do. So here are some things that made me laugh a lot in this week-o-crap, even if nobody else laughs.

Thank god for Amanda and her bogan baby name site. While there were so many horrible names that mere Mykaylahs and Jaeilayns paled in comparison, the one that made me laugh the hardest was on the very first page:

I was thinking of naming my son Toolio. Does anyone know the origin on that one?
[Jane] DeSac

Every time I thought of potential origins of the name or about that unfortunate child hitting primary school, or better yet, releasing a really bad rap record, I would laugh so hard I cried. Toolio DeSac. Gold!

I also went to my friend Linda's comedy show on Thursday, which was called Linda Catalano Meets the Corporate Devil but you can't see it anymore because the Comedy Festival winds up this weekend. It was pretty funny but not hysterically so, although Linda wins extra points for constantly heckling some guy from the audience who gave his name as "Punjab". Anyway, she told this joke that I thought was so funny I hooted with laughter, which was quite embarrassing as the rest of the audience only tittered politely. This is the joke:

An English soldier, a US soldier and an Iraqi soldier go into a Baghdad café. The proprietor happens to be a genie, and tells each soldier that they can go anywhere they wish to. The English soldier goes "I'd like to go back to London!" and ping! he's gone. The US guy goes "It would sure be great if I could go home to Missouri!" and ping! he goes too. The Iraqi soldier goes "I want to go to Hungry Jacks." The genie looks puzzled and says "Why do you want to go there?" The soldier replies, "Because the burqas are better at Hungry Jacks."

And the final thing, which I saw last night, made me laugh so hard my stomach was hurting. Gemma actually picked it. Her housemate Emma had got a bunch of dodgy Chinese pirated DVDs, one of which was The Life of David Gale with Kevin Spacey and Kate Winslet. Anyway, they had proper covers and everything, but this one had a mistake that I just couldn't fathom, but I'm laughing now even remembering it. It was a review quote that appeared on the front of the DVD cover.

"Heart-pounding … until its shocking, mink-blowing conclusion!"
- Clay Smith, Access Hollywood

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