Saturday, April 17, 2004
Top five well-meaning reasons my mum thinks I "can't get a man". If I am Bridget Jones, then my mother is frighteningly similar to Bridget Jones' mother. My personal life remains a mystery to her. Over the years, she has variously asked me if I'm pregnant or a lesbian. I hear about some mothers who have friendly, mature relationships with their adult daughters, but when I try to tell my mum about my fears of ending up a mad cat lady throwing empty vodka bottles at hapless neighbourhood children, she attempts to "explain" things away in ways that make me feel even worse about myself. Here are my mother's top five well-meaning reasons why I "can't get a man".
5. I wear "get-ups" like sneakers with skirts, legwarmers, and hipster jeans that are "unflattering" because they reveal my "fat stomach".
4. Due to not having studied law, I move in the wrong circles and only meet artsy ne'er-do-wells rather than successful go-getting men.
3. I drink beer out of the bottle.
2. I am "short-tempered" and "bite people's heads off".
And number one (guaranteed to make a girl feel better about herself)…
1. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which causes a hormonal imbalance that makes me fat, hairy and aggressive. She is constantly badgering me to consult a doctor about this, but I refuse even to acknowledge the possibility that I could have what I call "fat and hairy disease".
I enjoy collecting abject stories about people I know, like the time _____ woke up and thought she'd had a stroke because half her face was paralysed, but then she realised she'd fallen asleep on the couch wearing a face mask, and the time _____ was kicked out of a taxi for throwing up on himself and had to walk all the way home covered in spew. But I am snickering uncontrollably as I realise that Helen Fielding herself could not come up with a more ridiculous scenario than me and my mother fighting over whether my inability to get a man is caused by a hormonal dysfunction.
5. I wear "get-ups" like sneakers with skirts, legwarmers, and hipster jeans that are "unflattering" because they reveal my "fat stomach".
4. Due to not having studied law, I move in the wrong circles and only meet artsy ne'er-do-wells rather than successful go-getting men.
3. I drink beer out of the bottle.
2. I am "short-tempered" and "bite people's heads off".
And number one (guaranteed to make a girl feel better about herself)…
1. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which causes a hormonal imbalance that makes me fat, hairy and aggressive. She is constantly badgering me to consult a doctor about this, but I refuse even to acknowledge the possibility that I could have what I call "fat and hairy disease".
I enjoy collecting abject stories about people I know, like the time _____ woke up and thought she'd had a stroke because half her face was paralysed, but then she realised she'd fallen asleep on the couch wearing a face mask, and the time _____ was kicked out of a taxi for throwing up on himself and had to walk all the way home covered in spew. But I am snickering uncontrollably as I realise that Helen Fielding herself could not come up with a more ridiculous scenario than me and my mother fighting over whether my inability to get a man is caused by a hormonal dysfunction.
