Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Adult drinking is very bad. Yo, I got a real ID, though! I went to the doctor today to try and find out why I've been feeling like crap for the last couple of weeks and finding it really hard to get out of bed in the mornings. Also because my mother just won't stop going on about my having polycystic ovarian syndrome (aka fat and hairy disease) and I need to silence her.

The good thing is, the doctor said I probably don't have fat and hairy disease. When my mother heard this she was outraged and called for a second opinion, saying, "That's not what the doctor I talked to said!" I was aghast at the idea that she had actually consulted some doctor behind my back, to which she said impatiently, "Oh, I didn't say it was you," which totally seems beside the point to me.

The doctor also asked me about my lifestyle habits. She said, "How much do you drink a week?"
I said, "Well, I don't usually drink during the week - I would only drink on Friday and Saturday nights." ("Except when Saige entices me on a bender.")
She said, "How many drinks would you drink a night?"
"Maybe seven." ("Oh, it depends. Last Friday I was feeling sick so I only drank a longneck. But on Thursday I can't even remember how many beers I had. Maybe about four or five pots. And then a pint. That's seven standard drinks. And Saturday I had two cocktails containing vodka, Kahlua, Baileys and white creme de cacao, plus a tequila shot, totalling seven standard drinks, before I even left the house.")

The doctor looked steadily at me and said "Well, we would define seven drinks as a binge. It would be better if you either had just one or two drinks a night, or drank less on Friday and Saturday nights."

And I nodded obediently, but inside I was going, "How the fuck am I going to cope in social situations without being able to get pissed?" And that seems to me to be the worrying issue. I laugh at the way that my mother can't understand why I enjoy being pissed, but really there is no logical reason.

I sometimes think to myself, "Yeah, a drink would go down really nicely about now." And I enjoy being drunk, or tipss as I texted Lucy that time (my SMS went, "One, here come da 2 to da 3 to da 4, Lucy not tipss so she miss out on da floor."). I always feel in control of my behaviour when pissed, but I enjoy the way it gives me licence to speak and behave in ways that I always want to but repress because I know people would think me even stranger than they already do. And I pretend afterwards to be sorry about things I said or did when pissed, but secretly I'm not. That's just between me and you, internet.

For example, I would love to be able to be more affectionate and tactile with people, but I feel really funny about hugging and kissing my friends. But alcohol provides an excuse for me to do that kind of stuff, and apologise later if it freaks people out. And I think alcohol brings out a confiding thing that I enjoy. People think I forget stuff they tell me when we're pissed. But I don't. And of course, the only time I have the guts to flirt with boys I like is when I'm pissed. (The weird exception to this was The Boy, but that panned out the same way all my crushes do.)

Frankly, I just don't know how I could relate to people socially if I didn't drink. I would be even more crippled by my own perceived humiliation than I am already. I don't think I'd ever have a good time. I came out of the doctor's surgery feeling really depressed, and wanting a drink. And that's what made me realise - I always thought the benchmark for alcoholism was when you couldn't get through the day without drinking, but really, how much further away from that stage am I?

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