A Wild Young Under-Whimsy

Time for Hyper Global Mega Super Hero Round-up! It was such a great party. I spent at least an hour agonising over whether to wear the pale pink hotpants or the lipstick pink hotpants. As Warren Perso, the last Aussie auteur, once said, "These are the creative decisions I'm forced to make - every day." In the end I went with the pale pink ones, because I had a matching silver-studded belt. I also wore my black cowl-neck halter top whose neckline plunges down to the waist, black tights and black knee-high leather boots. And I had a black eye mask that kept bleeding black paint all down my face.

Thoughtfully, the hosts provided for people who hadn't come dressed up: men's underpants to wear over your pants, and cardboard eye masks. Here are some of the superheroes I remember:

Tash was the Pom-Pom Avenger! She was wearing a red midriff top with a silver collar, with PP appliqued on it, red terry-towelling hotpants with a silver belt, and silver boots. She also had silver pom-pom earrings. Her weapon was a set of red cheerleading pom-poms, with which she'd distract assailants before kung-fu kicking them. At her belt she also had a set of pom-pom nunchucks.

Dan was Tyler Durden! This was quite an oblique superhero, but Dan insisted he was as an "alter ego". He was topless, the personification of my song "Secret Buff", with visible underpant waistband, rock star sunglasses and yellow washing-up gloves.

Emah was Anxiety Girl! (I think that was it: that or Nervous Breakdown Girl). She was wearing a hot-pink outfit entirely of her own making: pink shiny lycra tights like something out of that Eric Prydz video; pink satin boxer shorts and a pink halter top with a silver A on the chest. And she had a cape, too. Her power was to suck all the anxiety from everyone, absorb it, and huddle in a foetal position on the ground.

Leanne was Math Girl! She had a singlet top with pi on the front and on the back it said "Pythagoras Is My Homeboy". And she had a belt with a calculator dangling from it.

Ethan was Ballboy! He had promised to wear tennis shorts so short that "none of my underpants will fit underneath". And he did. It was a great 70s-style tennis outfit. Ethan owns one already, but as he's going overseas it was in storage, so he went to an op-shop and bought another one. Disconcertingly, he had a tennis ball tucked in the crotch of his shorts.

Noah was Castro Boy! Basically, he just had a beard, a hammer and sickle t-shirt and a cigar, but I applaud the pun.

Emma was The Striped Lizard! She was wearing a skintight striped top and miniskirt with opaque green tights and white high-heeled boots. She also had mittens made from green sequinned material, and a hood made from the same stuff, with eye and mouth holes cut out. Her weapon was to spit venom at her assailants. This was actually water and was most offputting when she spat it on you.

Tristan was Rent-a-Sidekick! He had a t-shirt, which he'd made for the occasion, that looked like something a graphic designer would have put together. I was impressed. And he had little business cards with his phone number that said, "Rent a sidekick". Coincidentally, great for giving out to the ladiez.

Jess was Venus Hair Trap! She had a black Afro wig in which were embedded several sets of vampire teeth. She also had a black furry top and black furry wrist cuffs. If you got too close to her, she would trap you in her hair and eat you!

Gavin was The Slow Dazzle! He got this from the title of a John Cale album, because he owns an identical pair of sunglasses to the ones Cale is wearing on the cover. I workshopped my origin story with him on Cup Day, so I know his: he spent an entire weekend watching romantic videos, and now the images are so indelibly burned into his eyes that whenever he looks at you, you'll irresistibly fall in love with him - very, very slowly! So for our own protection and his, he was wearing sunglasses. And 70s clothing.

Bo was The Boninator! Ironically, any erection would be strapped down beneath layers of hot-pink tights, black leotard and apple-green bikini underpants he was wearing. He also had hot-pink elbow gloves, slicked-down hair and a red cape. And as Eve remarked, he was flirting with women with all the dignity of someone wearing normal clothes. Apparently late in the party, a posse of Japanese girls cornered him and started rubbing him and tweaking his nipples, giggling "Ohhh, Mister Super Man!"

Callum was Romantic Moments Man! He was wearing a tux with dozens of little rosebuds pinned to the inside of the jacket. He would corner the females at the party and pin a rosebud to their tops. Nobody could escape his romantic moments!

Anyone else who was there and I've forgotten, or who remembers other superheroes, feel free to add them in the comment field. Anand was wearing tights and a cape with stars on it - I think he was meant to be a rent-a-sidekick too. Mijo disturbingly had nipples on his stomach, like a pig. He told me what he was, but I was too drunk to remember. His girlfriend came as "Lara Croft: Womb Raider", with coathangers as weapons. Poor taste in today's political climate? You decide!

We were there until around 4:30am. Then Emma and I staggered like newborn colts in our immensely painful high heels through an honour guard of wolf-whistling wogboys outside the Sev. We then managed to limp all the way to Stalactites, where we solemnly agreed that souvlakis were exactly what we needed. You know that first bite of savoury chicken and spicy chilli sauce, surrounded by crispy pita bread, when you realise that despite all the fucked up elections and unnecessary warfare, all is right with the world?