Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Porking Friends, Community News-style. Many of you will no doubt be familiar with the amusing Porking Friends series at The Spin Starts Here (recently returned from forum purgatory, as I discovered today). For years, Sandor and I used to go through the Talking Friends section of our local Leader newspaper, laughing at all the desperate personal ads. I considered it a housemate bonding ritual, so when I moved into Flemington Rd, I read them out to Loz.

And today I was reading Shion some of the pearlers from Leader's rival, the Community News group, which also does classified personal ads, only they call them "Connections: finding a friend made easy with Community News". Ours is the Moonee Valley Community News. And while there aren't nearly as many gay and swinger ads, the ratio of disturbing to normal is pretty even stevens. Why do they pretend it's about 'friends'?

The manslave came into the living room while I was reading it, looking very pleased with himself in his mirrored aviator sunglasses, and suggested I should email these to The Hack. But bugger it, I thought I'd just blog about it instead, reproducing them, Hack-style, "just as they appeared in the paper". Here's the first one that caught my attention: number two from the top in the Women Seeking Men category:
Don't hurt me and don't hurt my family. Pictures, around the lake, swimming, meet me family, have fun, meet their parents, going for drives out of Ballarat.

What is this? Ballarat Gothic? Who's "they" and why would you want to meet their parents? Although I like "meet me family", it has a vernacular touch. The next one has a similarly defensive tone...
Genuine males need only reply. I have a mother who needs to be shown what real love is all about. She is 46 years old and a mother of 5 grown kids, she has also had her heart broken one too many times that's where you come into it. She is looking for a caring, passionate person who enjoys her company and going out. That person will be 45-55 who has a GSOH and financially secure. All round good person who has a lot to offer her. I'll be the one seeing if your genuine or not before you meet her. If you have nothing to hide then this wouldn't be a problem.

Good lord! Translation: my mum's various no-good boyfriends made my childhood a misery, so this time, I'm doin' the pickin'. Wearing my brass knucks. Oh, and no trannies.
I like to swim, BBQs and fishing around the lake and going to the pictures. Like going to the begonia festival. S/S ok but N/D. Going for bike rides and drives.

Oh, it was sounding so promising until the bit about the begonia festival.
I would love attractive man 30-36yo. I love music outdoors and children. I even want to settle down.

Fancy that!
Girls 22 and 34, N/D, DTE with a GSOH independently seeks males 25-40 for laughing, reality based f/ships. Must be breathing, sane, intelligent and healthy. Not currently involved and single, like animals. Be patient, be prepared to undergo interview, no history of mental illness or physical diseases. Definitely no professional or amateur idiots, financially secure, physical appearance and asset minor consideration.

I'm intrigued by how a 22-year-old and 34-year-old could be friends. Maybe they work together and bitch about how there are no good men out there. Obviously this ad is an easy target for mockery about how people can't string a sentence together, but isn't it crazy the way it sometimes shifts to the imperative tense: "Be patient". But surely if they want someone with no mental or physical impairments, a Porking Friends ad is not the way to go, although maybe it could satisfy their first criterion of someone who is alive. I dig the reference to "professional or amateur idiots". And I love the way these men must be single, "like animals". Ha! Ha! You said it, girlfriends! I think I'd like these chicks.
Young beautiful, single, virgin, own home, edu., seeks handsome blond Aust. single male, 25-35 yrs, edu, empl. N/S, view to marriage.

Oh, honey! My heart bleeds! What must she have endured, this gorgeous, well-educated, home-owning virgin, to throw herself upon the tender mercies of Porking Friends? Maybe a lonely Christian dude will read this. I really hope so, but think not.
Loving Mum of 2 would like to make her spare time into quality time. Attractive, slim, 32, N/S, S/D wants to meet caring man 35-39. Must have GSOH.

So what, is she gunning for a tryst on the DL while hubby's at work and the kiddies are at school? Or maybe she's been watching too many renovation shows and wants to have a time makeover. Out with the useless spare time! In with the exciting quality time!
BALLARAT - 37yo divorced one child, 5'6" high, black hair, blue eyes, N/S, S/D, enjoys long walks, movies, quiet nights at home, looking for a lady that's thin to medium build, N/S, S/D kids are fine. For f/ship and poss. r/ship.

Why are all these people from Ballarat? And it's not much help to the lonely readers of the Moonee Valley area, who are otherwise forced to turn to the "next generation of lap dances" at the strip club at 5 Truck Drive, Campbellfield? But anyway. I just liked the way that when he's on drugs, he's five-six. How tall is he when he's sober?
22YO inexperienced male seeks experienced lady 20-30 to show me the way and a really good time. Must be N/S and open minded.

"Open minded" - surely this is the pot calling the kettle black. This dude is biting off way more than he can chew. I feel it's a cheap shot to picture the army of skanks pushing their kids out of the way in their rush to dial his voicemail box, but I'm picturing them anyway. But, speaking of skanks, I saved the 'best' for last...
GEELONG 20yo Son, 43yo Mum, both straight, seek friends to liven us up. Close fun times, whatever else comes next, etc. 18ish to 45yo's.

Mother of god! Eww, or maybe not. My mink is being blown over and over as I contemplate the vast spectrum of activities that could potentially fall under "close fun times" and "whatever else comes next", as well as the legal issues surrounding terms like "18ish" - "But officer, she said she was eighteenish..."

This isn't a regular series, nor is it a 'competition', Spin Starts Here-style. I just felt that this unusual concentration of Porking Friends gold was too good to pass up.

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