Monday, March 14, 2005

How to raise money. The Love Grenade party was a mitigated success. Tonight we were considering how to make more money before the launch of the first edition. We were all exhausted, so perhaps we weren't thinking straight. Here are some ideas we came up with:

The Beer Carwash - A Crass Event Brought to You by Is Not Magazine
This would involve us washing cars wearing white t-shirts and/or bikinis, occasionally spraying each other with water, squealing and whipping each other with wet cloths. "Car Wash" by Rose Royce, "Pull Up To My Bumper" by Grace Jones, "Any Way You Like It" by Journey, "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" by Billy Ocean, "Bad Girls" by Donna Summer, "Pink Cadillac" by Natalie Cole, and other cheesy classics would play. The owners of the cars would look on in deckchairs, drinking beer that we would also sell. We could make some extra money by getting onlookers to pay me to put my clothes back on. But this event was ultimately vetoed by the irresponsibility of combining driving and liquor.

Mel the Breakdancing Carrot - Coming Soon to a Children's Party Near You
I was a house captain at school and at sporting events we had to wear stupid costumes in house colours. I was a carrot. I think my parents still have the costume somewhere. I also took a breakdancing course a few years ago. I was not particularly good at breakdancing, especially at grovelling around on the ground (technically referred to as 'power moves') but I think that in the carrot outfit, I would make a great children's party entertainer. I would bring a DJ (one of the others with stupid enormous headphones on) who would spin songs like "Rockit" by Herbie Hancock, "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer and "Parents Just Don't Understand" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, while I taught the kids moves like the robot, the wave, the running man, the moonwalk and how to brush dirt off their shoulders. They would love it because I was a carrot, and the adults would think it was fucking hilarious. I was quite committed to this idea but the others vetoed it because I wouldn't have enough time to book myself in for enough parties, considering that I have a Comedy Festival show beginning a week from Wednesday.

The Disco Beer Ghost Tour - Spookily Good
This event would begin at ten pm at an undisclosed city location, where we would sell beer and spin party tunes. When the group was well lubricated, we would usher them to another city location where we would earnestly tell them a spooky story about the ghosts that inhabit the place. At the climax of the story, one of us, dressed in a sheet with eyeholes, would leap from the shadows going "Ooooohhh!" This would terrify yet delight the tipsy crowd. Then the music would kick back in and we would dance and they would buy more beer. This process would be repeated some more, with people getting drunker: "A beer please - and one for the ghost!" Although we were crying with laughter at this idea, it would be a logistical and legal nightmare.

So I decided to look to Hollywood, the cradle of crazy madcap money making schemes...

Empire Records (1995)
An independent record store must sell to the Music Town chain unless its wacky employees can raise enough money through a benefit gig.

Let's Do It Again (1975)
Two blue-collar workers in Atlanta have promised to raise funds for their fraternal order, the Brothers and Sisters of Shaka. They travel to New Orleans and rig a boxing match using hypnotism to turn the scrawny underdog into a super-confident fighting machine.

The Blues Brothers (1980)
Jake and Elwood Blues discover that the orphanage where they were raised by nuns is about to be sold. The only way to keep it open is if the $5000 tax on the property is paid within 11 days. The brothers decide to put their blues band back together and raise the the money by staging a big gig.

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (1990)
When their mother goes on vacation, a family of kids are left with a horrible babysitter who suddenly dies. They deposit her body at the morgue before realising she had all the money their mother had left them. The eldest daughter, Suellen, bluffs her way into a job at a uniform manufacturing firm, then stages a fashion parade starring her friends as models. (Damn, maybe I've done this scenario before...)

The Goonies (1985)
A bunch of kids are being forcibly relocated by a new development, but they embark on a quest to save their homes when one of them stumbles on a treasure map of the pirate "One-Eyed" Willy's hidden fortune.

All Men Are Liars (1995)
Mick's father, Barry, sells the family piano, causing Mick's mother, Irene to leave. In order to raise enough money to buy the piano back, Mick dresses in his mother's clothes and becomes Michelle to join an all-girl band that has come into town for the annual harvest festival.

Cockfighter (1974)
Frank Mansfield has wanted to win the Cockfighter of the Year medal for ages. After losing a champion bird in a casual hotel room cockfight, he swore never to speak again until he's won that award. Frank has to raise $500 for a new cock, then he can form a partnership with fellow cocksman Omar Baradansky.

Risky Business (1983)
After writing off his dad's Porsche, Joel turns his affluent Chicago-suburb home into a lucrative bordello with the aid of Lana, a hooker with a heart of gold. But the two must avoid the vengeful pimp Guido and keep their customers happy.

Any more bright ideas?

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