Thursday, April 14, 2005

Manslave about the house. Today I awoke late and decided to have a shower, but I couldn't turn on the taps. Now I am as weak as a kitten, but this was ridiculous even by my standards. Apparently I was making such a noise that the manslave thought I had some man in there with me, but it was just me getting mad at the futility of tugging on the taps while standing naked in the bathtub, yelling "C'mon!" like Lleyton Hewitt.

Eventually I turned them on by using my towel for grip, but when I went to turn them off again, I realised why they'd been so tight - the hot tap wouldn't turn off and was just gushing hot water. I could hear the manslave on the landing, so, panicky and slick like a seal, I burst out of the bathroom in a towel, wailing, "Help! The hot water won't turn off!"

The manslave was in a vile mood because he hasn't had a good week. I expect you'll soon be able to read his take on this. He diagnosed the problem ("The washer is fucked") and then got even angrier because fixing it would make him late to work.
"Or you could just get them to unplug you from the Matrix," I said.
Today he is wearing a black parka, black jumper, black pants and black shoes. Steph, our other housemate, snickered. The manslave was not amused.
"You're the one wearing a towel!" he said sourly.
"You'll have to speak up," I replied, "I'm wearing a towel."
He pointed soundlessly at my room.
I said, "You can kiss my fluffy white arse!"
"Any time!"

I got dressed while the manslave swore at the tap.
"Fucking panh chod!" he shouted as he banged ineffectually at the wall with a spanner. "Fuck your mother and the donkey she rode in on!"

He says shit like that all the time. I'm used to it.

Then I drove him to the supermarket where we not only bought a new tap washer, but a spectacularly ugly new shower curtain. Our old shower curtain, the one that kept coming off its hooks and needing to be tied back on at increasingly bizarre, bunched-up points, is pink and provides one of the few attempts at 'decor' in our house, as it vaguely matches the burgundy hand towel and bathmat. I had been looking for a new one for weeks, but the only ones in the shops have really ugly prints on them. The new shower curtain is no exception. It's clear, with large garish red and pink flowers all over it. Just what you want to be greeted with first thing in the morning, or at 3am when you get home feeling tired and emotional.

I was sitting at the computer when he came downstairs, saying manfully, "The shower is now fixed." Then he left for work, announcing that today "needs a good kick in the cock!"
"But what if the day is female?" I protested.

God bless that manslave! Isn't he handy! And easy on the eye, too.

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