Monday, June 27, 2005

Holy meme, Batman! Given that I am a complete sucka for memes, it is to my chagrin that I only just get around to responding to this one, from The Love Pump.

If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why? (Assume you also get baseline superhero enhancements like moderately increased strength, endurance and agility.)

The I Dream of Jeannie-style ability to teleport myself somewhere else, instantly. This would be really handy for when I'm running late, as I invariably am. Or for when you really want a pie, but you can't be fucked getting off your arse and walking to the shops. Cos today, after craving a pie all day, and saying "I'll go later... I'll go later..." I finally walked down to the shops, and when I got to the bakery the pies were gone. And when I asked them when the pies were coming back, they said they didn't know! And then I had to trudge back up the hill. But on the upside, I saw a guy who looked exactly like a Viking. I wished I had a camera. He had the beard and everything.

Which, if any, ‘existing’ superhero(es) do you fancy, and why?

I sense a batlash against Christian Bale, but I maintain that he is Batalicious. It's the mouth (conveniently exposed by the mask). Here I would like to do a comparative study of Batmen and their mouths. I feel as though Ben would be totally into this worthy intellectual project.

Look at the shifting semiotics of the Batsuit as well. I am particularly interested in the length of the ears and the design of the chest emblem. But of all the recent Batmen, Bale has the least amount of face exposed by the mask. Clooney possibly has the most. Keaton sneers. Clooney smirks. Kilmer pouts. Bale has thin lips, tightly held. When he speaks, they don't move very much, except at the corners. He does some great mouth-twitching that manifests in smiles as dry as martinis.

But to the complete unsurprise of all my friends, I would have to say the most fanciable superhero is Spiderman, because he is publicly nerdy but secretly buff. It is his gift; it is his curse.

Which, if any, ‘existing’ superhero(es) do you hate?

That fucken vampire slayer, with all my heart; but then she is not really a superhero. She is more of a super hero.

OK, here’s the tough one. What would your superhero name be? (No prefab porn-name formulas here, you have to make up the name you think you’d be proud to mask under.)

It is no secret that I am The Incredible Melk. Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry. And also I am Sweet Cheeks, the bootydancing superhero whose bass-infused arse-cheeks emit an incapacitating sonic boom when slapped.

For extra credit: Is there an ‘existing’ superhero with whom you identify/whom you would like to be?

I always wanted to be He-Man. It would be so cool to hold up some talismanic object and feel power flowing transformatively through your body. No wonder he looks almost orgasmic as he says in a voice of thunder, "I have the powerrrrr!" I like the way his powers are a kind of club that only a few people are privy to. Also, I have always wondered how comfortable those furry undies would be. That whole outfit is kind of kinky. As for She-Ra, she was just a crappy merchandising push once they realised that chicks wanted to be He-Man.

Pass it on. Three people please, and why they’re the wind beneath your wings.

No! This superhero meme has gone far enough! MELK SMASH!

Comments: Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Site Meter