A Wild Young Under-Whimsy

The sugar moratorium. Please, please, could we put some kind of limit on the number of pop songs that make lame analogies between sex and desserts or confectionery? I thought that PopJustice had put this issue to bed with their hilarious critique of Fiddy Cent's "Candy Shop" (which I have reproduced here because it's gone from the site, PopJustice being Onto This Phenomenon much earlier than I):

In their review of 50 Cent's new album, The Guardian asked, "He can't rap, he can't write, he can't even insult people... what use is 50 Cent?" DUDES! That's like, so scathing! Because everyone who's heard Fiddy's new single, 'Candy Shop', knows that 50 Cent is really useful for at least one thing - fucking!

Seriously, viewers, this guy just amazing at having sex. He's just unstoppable! (Although of course if you were a lady and you were having sex with 50 and you asked him to stop, he would do just that. There's nothing remotely rapey about this guy!) In the wholly impartial 'Candy Shop', Fiddy employs various 'metaphors' to explain how brilliant he is at fucking. For example!

"I take you to the candy shop, I'll let you lick the lollypop."
Trans: "Ooh my penis is quite big, you can suck it."

"One taste of what I got, I'll have you spending all you got."
Trans: "My sperm tastes nice."

"You can have it your way, how do you want it?"
Trans: "I am versatile in my ability to fuck people. I know lots of different ways. There's missionary, for a start. And the other one. Seriously, there are as many as several positions in which I can - and have - fucked women."

"You gon' back that thing up or should I push up on it?"

Trans: "Are you going to move your vagina towards my penis, or should I move my penis towards your vagina?" (nb: This may seem as if 50 Cent is not masterful in bed, but it in fact simply goes to showcase his versatility as a sex-maker - see above!)

"If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho."
Trans: "My rhymes are almost as innovative as my lovemaking."

"Got the magic stick, I'm the love doctor."
Trans: "I've got a penis."

"And we gon' sip til every bubble in the bottle is gone."
Trans: "We are, or rather 'you are', going to suck my penis until all the sperm has come out of it, which will no doubt take ages because a) My cock is really big, and b) I have lots of sperm in me. Seriously, you could go whitewater rafting in my scrotum."

"I'm a seasoned vet when it come to this shit"
Trans: "I know how to charm a lady."

"After you work up a sweat you can play with the stick."
Trans: "I've still got a penis."

"Isn't it ironic how erotic it is to watch em in thongs?"
Trans: "I don't really understand words very well."

Ahh, Fiddy. Shane says he's like when the Terminator tries to learn human emotions. Tash says he's like a club bouncer who got hold of a microphone. You decide. But anyway. I used to kind of like "Candy Shop", even though it's so very 2003 with its faux-ethnic noises. But then I got so tired of its regime of sugar-fuelled copulation. It's not naughty or playful like the best of Nelly (who does a great line in "Jesus Christ I can't believe this chick is stripping off and writhing before my very eyes!" shocked expressions).

Instead, it's grim and deliberate, like stuffing a vanilla slice into your mouth in a fit of depression at how fat and ugly you are. Instead of something delicious, sweetness becomes some kind of fuel for joyless, mechanical, unending copulation. Maybe I just read Glamorama too recently.

I heard another one today: "Sugar (Gimme Some)" by Trick Daddy. It really depressed me. I just wanted the torrent of dessert references to stop...

And gimme some of your butter pecan
Put it right there on tip of my tongue, hold it Right jeeeah
Cuz baby, if I bite you I bet you like it
French Vanilla's a hell of a flavor for me
With strawberries, two cherries and whipped cream
The best things are the wet dreams
And uh, the rest is just a flick without a sex scene
Or lee, I speak the truth
Cuz the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice
Cuz, Florida oranges and Georgia peaches
When they nice and ripe, they the best for eatin'
Southern boys we crave for old slice of pie after they main course

[...]

Sweetie you look so incredible So delicious and so damn edible
All I need is some honey or syrup
With a lil' butter to rub down all your curves
And no need for the lemonade
Just a twist of lime and some grape Kool-Aid
Can I call you Caramel?
Cuz I'm bout to go coo-coo to taste your Coco Puffs
One bowl ought to fill me up
But that milk gotta be cold enough
So supper time that'll hold me up
I might choke myself if I don't slow it up, but
Honey, you look like a honeydew melon
Or strawberry with the whipped cream filling
Of the top part of the peach cobbler
But uh, the fruit platter ought to do me better