Friday, January 13, 2006

Mel's rules of thumb. I would like to share with you some of the rules of thumb that guide my life. I'm that generous. This list is by no means exhaustive and I might update it as I think of more.

1. Cafes with the street number in the name (eg "Cafe 621"), with krazy spelling or cutesy references to food, eating or being hungry (Flaver, Krave), are likely to be crap.

You know, the sort of places usually found in office precincts otherwise devoid of eateries, that business crowds go to for lunch because they can't be fucked going further afield. Or when you're in a strip of cafes and you haven't been to any of them before, you can use this method to weed out cafes that are likely to serve you rat coffee and charge you $20 for rubbery poached eggs that taste like vinegar, served with watery hollandaise and unripe avocado.

2. DJs whose deejay names are the same as their first names, or their first name with the first letter of their surname, are likely to be crap.

For god's sake, make up an entirely different name, or use your full name! If it's good enough for John Digweed, it's good enough for you! You don't see him calling himself "DJ Johnny D"!

3. A bottle of beer has the same number of calories as a sandwich.

This is actually Jeremy's rule of thumb, but I've really taken it to heart and it has totally ruined my enjoyment of beer. Even though it doesn't make sense - what kind of bread? what fillings? Sometimes I drink the equivalent of a right old corporate function. Maybe I should tell Jeremy that every salad has the same number of calories as a tub of lard.

4. Avoid wearing any colour combination that could be mistaken for football team colours.

I break this all the time because I wear lots of black and white and people go "You barrack for Collingwood, hur hur hur." But red and black is a particularly awful colour combination. Red and green (of any shade) is also a bad colour combination, because you look too Christmassy. Also, if you wear glasses, you must never, ever wear a red and white striped t-shirt, because everyone will point to you and go "There's Wally!"

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