Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Terror stalks the Oscars stage. You know, it really sucks coming up with impromptu drinking games, because you can never remember half the rules for drinking and the designated moments never seem to come quickly enough to satisfy your alcoholic cravings. So we tried to come up with an Oscars drinking game. We were supposed to drink when:

- A winner said they were honoured just to be nominated/be in the company of such talented people
- Someone thanked God
- Someone's speech got cut off by the music
- Camera cut to the butt of a lame joke and they looked uncomfortable
- A presenter made a hash of their autocued speech
- Jake Gyllenhaal was on camera

But really, the only rule we stuck to was drinking when Mel said "Yowza!" And I said "Yowza!" a lot.

Yowza! I found Dolly Parton deeply disturbing!!! She looked like a fucking stick! This picture spares you the worst of it because you can't see her little stick legs and her hollowed-out-looking pelvis! Why didn't she just wear a frickin dress? She looked like an anorexic! This searing image troubled me throughout the awards and I wouldn't stop mentioning it in the commercial breaks. Dolly, wha' happened?

Yowza! Tom Hanks's hair! I first noticed this disturbing look when he was inexplicably involved in the Grammy Awards. He looked so greasy and weird, and for a while I couldn't work out what was wrong, until I realised that Hanksy actually has curly hair. I've since heard that this abomination has to do with the equally abominable Da Vinci Code movie. Tom, Tom, I had a crush on you during the Big era - you could have had my top bunk any time! Wha' happened?

And speaking of bad man-hair, Yowza! Is this a Scientology thing? Why does he have that fuzzy-felt hair that you get on Ken dolls and Sylvanian Families woodland creatures?

Yowza! This is Colleen Atwood winning for her costume designs for Memoirs of a Geisha. Never was such a lame Orientalist movie so showered with little golden men. As I remarked to the others while watching, she looked like she was inspired by that five seconds during which Madonna decided to dress like a geisha. Plus she looked like a man, man! What was with all the women who looked like men? Was it the Transamerica thing?

Also, I'm really annoyed that I can't find an image depicting the most insane thing about the show: the weird slo-mo street fighting taking place during the performance of some shithouse song from Traffic. It was the most retarded performance since last year's train wreck featuring Antonio Banderas and some hay bales. I was hoping Cintra Wilson would deliver some well-placed snark about it, but all she could do was plead for the mental health of Jon Stewart after his material bombed so spectacularly. Maybe the snark is in the podcast. But anyway, that musical routine got a big fat Yowza! from me.

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