Friday, May 26, 2006

Did you know that I can actually hypnotise people when I am drunk? No? Fools! If you knew the tremendous power alcohol unleashes in me, you would quail like small game birds! Seriously though, I was looking at some more unflattering photos of myself, taken almost exactly a year ago at Andrejs's birthday party. And I realised that while photography can fail to capture the extent of my proud, wild beauty, amazingly enough it can document my powers in action. Truly it is an astonishing medium and one for the ages - bugger off Sebastian Smee, you piratical second banana.

"Look into my eyes..."

Look at this photo of me. Some say that I showed up at Andrejs's house absolutely tanked after a drinking competition with my 17-year-old brother at my cousin Elly's wedding earlier that evening. But they would be wrong. So if you should be drinking with me, as I really hope you do tonight - come on people, there's still time to call or email - you should watch out for the following tell-tale signs of impending hypnotism:

1. Eyelids droop, suggesting helpless amusement
2. Face grows very pink

Watch out! because I hypnotised these people and I could do it to you, too!

Man, one minute I was at the bar ordering Jager bombs and the next I was in this scary suburban house with chintzy curtains and this chick Michelle, who I'm pretty sure is some kind of Satanic swinger, was getting her kit off and barking for treats. It is my gift, it is my curse.

I convinced this fellow that he was a breakdancing Edward Scissorhands. I don't know how we ended up in that high-school auditorium with hundreds of whooping teenagers chanting "Snip! Snip! Snip!" But then I was drunk; how would I know?

I made these suckaz levitate. I remember dimly that it was part of an argument we were having about which was the better song: Lil Jon's "Get Low" or Cypress Hill's "Wanna Get High". I also remember them whimpering "Can we get down now?", which I thought meant they wanted to dance, so I started singing "Oh what a feeling, when we're dancing on the ceiling..."

It doesn't even have to be people. I can hypnotise animals too.

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