Friday, May 05, 2006

This post is not about Rohypnol. Instead it is about Smallville, a show that shares Rohypnol's ability to send its victims, ahem, viewers, into a stupor from which they awake with very little recollection of what just occurred. Anyway. So it was on in the background yesterday while we were eating dinner, and they had this plotline whereby anyone who drank this mysterious green cordial would fall in love with the first person they laid eyes on.

So Natalya and I got into a conversation about who we would feed a love potion to. "It couldn't be anyone you were actually in love with," said Natalya, and I agreed. Because how sad would it be to realise that the fulfilment of all your fantasies was itself a fantasy, and that the person only wanted you because they were 'not themselves'? Wouldn't you feel worse after that?

We agreed that the love potion would be very useful for seducing someone totally out of your league with whom you'd never want a relationship. Like a celebrity. Obviously, Natalya and I both have impeccable taste in celebrities. For example, dear reader, later yesterday evening I went out to Troika for Saige's birthday drinks and the barman bore a disturbing resemblance to one of Mel's Shameful Celebrity Crushes, DJ AM. But nobody at Saige's drinks even knew who he was, so they could not marvel at this resemblance, nor yet could they mock me!

But then I threw a spanner in the works of this theory by saying, what about someone you actually knew, with whom you didn't want a relationship, but who you'd still see socially after the love potion had worn off. This brought up several issues.

Would the recipient of the love potion have total recall of what happened while under its influence? I mean, you don't want to engender any social awkwardness as they look at you and remember all the wanton and animalistic things the two of you did together and think to themselves, My god, what have I done!

So, would it be better if they had no recall at all, and thus the two of you would just go crazy and then later they'd smile at you in the street and go, "Hi!" and you'd think, "Heh heh, I totally shoved a zucchini up your arse and you loved it and screamed for a whole ratatouille!" Or something like that. Or would it be better if they had a sort of dreamlike recollection of what had gone on, and they got little flashbacks in social situations? Most importantly, would the love potion somehow be able to work out if the sex had been good or bad, and thus erase their memory of the crap sex and enhance their memory of the good?

Would the recipient know it was you who gave them the love potion? I mean, wouldn't you feel a bit gross if you found out that you'd been drugged by some non-Rohypnol love potion and had engaged in all manner of hot action with someone that you aren't remotely attracted to? I mean, what if you hadn't shaved or waxed or worn nice undies or had the lights just so, or whatever it is that you do to fool people into not finding your body repulsive? Bleh!

I think the most important thing would be somehow to defer the blame. Like "Whoa-ho, that was some crazy party last night, hey?" Or "I think I saw Bill slip something into your drink while you were in the loo!"

What do you think about this scenario that most definitely does not involve Rohypnol? Natalya was going to text Stephen to get his opinion, but there really was no good way of phrasing a text message on this topic sent at 11:45pm.

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