Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I am feeling rather precarious right now. As though I have only been fooling myself about my skills and talents, and my general position in life, and my relationships with others, when in fact I am either a laughing-stock or a despised incompetent, and I am about to get fired and lose all my friends.

Today is the last day to do my tax, and I haven't done it. Shit. Not only will I probably have to pay tax rather than get a refund this year, I'll also probably have to pay a fine. It is just the latest in a line of things that have gone straight through to the catcher. Like missing the early bird registrations for the CSAA conference. And my car registration - because I missed that date, now I have to get a roadworthy on the thing in order to re-register it, that is if it ever gets fixed from the smash last October. And my health insurance - now I can't claim on any pharmaceuticals or optometry, and it'll probably cost me a bomb to start up a new policy. I feel really mad at myself for being so disorganised.

And I feel very insecure professionally, like all my working relationships are failing and I will have to go back on the dole. I have always been a clumsy networker, and it has been bothering me of late that despite being excellent at what I do, I have always relied on the goodwill of other people to get work. Lately I have been trying to be proactive, directly contacting people I'd like to work for, etc. And I have picked up some new (albeit poorly paid) gigs, but I can't help but feel the rug is going to be pulled from under me. It's happened to other people.

As I said, I am feeling precarious.

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