Monday, December 18, 2006

Muh powhurs! Thanks to Leigh for introducing me to the concept of "powhurs" (scroll down for the YouTube video of bizarre gold), which I have attempted to share with people but they just look at me weird, kind of like when I quote that scene in Total Recall where Arnie dresses up as the fat woman in order to get through customs but his animatronic head starts malfunctioning and gets stuck on the phrase "Twwwooo weeeeks!"

Anyway, the water in our office is dreadful - it comes out of the tap variously a pale yellow and a rich delightful reddish-brown. Jeremy spent some hours cleaning this reddish residue off the urinal when we first moved in, all the while characterising it as fifty years of urine. But I think it was just rust. I bought a water filter jug that vastly improves the water quality, but it still doesn't quite make it go clear. The Opulent boys have grown tired of it and have invested in a large vat of shop-bought water.

However, I am persisting with the filter. The other day, Will said that drinking the weird water will give me special powers. As you can imagine, I was most taken with this notion, and immediately started to muse on what powers I could have. I might return to this post and add some thoughts, but for the moment here are some powers that I feel I ought to try and attain.

The power to shoot laser beams from my fingertips

Useful for getting apples off high trees, etching things into cool shapes, fixing my eyesight and ridding myself of body hair forever. Of course I would also want each laser beam to be accompanied by a "piaowww!" type noise, like Han Solo's blaster in Star Wars.

The power to make hair return to its natural colour

Oh how satisfying it would be to look at someone and instantly their hair would return to its natural colour. Then we would sort the wheat from the chaff.

The power of Sex Eyes

Good lord, as if Dr Hook can talk! Surely that is one of the biggest album cover misnomers of all time! But anyway. Penny has long expounded on something she calls 'the sex eyes', which I imagine to be akin to the relaxed yet focused state required for viewing Magic Eye pictures or operating an alethiometer. I have never been able to master it. But perhaps by drinking the water in our office, I would be able to look in a certain special way at people I wanted to have sex with, and they would inevitably comply. Alternatively, Sex Eyes could mean that I would be able instantly to identify others who were interested in having sex with me. This would avoid a lot of time wasting.

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