A Wild Young Under-Whimsy

Baby, you're so tense... In today's Hez there is a feature about baby massage - specifically, about how dads can get in touch (pun intended) with their babies through the power of massage. It included instructions for you to bond with your own baby. I found these a little weird and... adult.



Aside from the disturbing "Lapping it up" head on the breakout box, I have highlighted some odd-sounding bits. Here's the text:

Press a little baby oil between your palms, make eye contact and ask the baby, "Would you like a massage?"
Put on soothing music, take the phone off the hook and take time to enjoy your baby.

Now, of course it's typical of me to sully even the most innocent situations with my trademark smut. And perhaps it's the ridiculousness of asking the baby's permission when it doesn't matter, you're gonna go right ahead and massage 'em anyway. But I just can't help imagining a kind of farcical situation where the parents manipulate the dimmer switch, put on a little mellow music, such as Sade or (shudder - the soundtrack of my former housemate Jasmine's lovemaking) Portishead, and take time to "enjoy their baby". Because as the subhead contends, "Baby massage soothes all".