A Wild Young Under-Whimsy

The Delta Function. Okay, I am totally pumped for the new Die Hard movie, and Stuart, Penny and I have been preparing by watching Die Hards II and III. (I missed their screening of the original Die Hard, but then I watched it at Christmas with my brothers.) And last night, in one of those weird serendipities that makes you wonder whether there really is a higher power, I discovered a dog-eared hard copy of my famous Die Hard 'spoof' screenplay, The Delta Function. I use the inverted commas because it is more like a loving homage than a parody.

There is no electronic copy of The Delta Function. I hold the only copy of this cultural phenomenon. The story is that one day at uni back in 2000, we were joking about the cliches of the 80s action genre, and we ended up brainstorming the entire movie's plot. (Or not really, because I don't think we ever decided how it ended.)

It's the story of John McCormick, a former NYPD bomb squad officer who ends up suspended from duty after the trauma of his partner's death in a botched special op finally causes him to snap. But his boss has to bring him back to save New York from a terrorist who has a poison-filled bomb rigged to the New York water supply. The only way to disarm this bomb is through a mathematical formula called the Delta Function; and McCormick happens to be an untapped mathematical prodigy who never went to college because he is autistic.

The cops get McCormick's curmudgeonly old high school maths teacher, the only man who understands him, to persuade him to help save the city. Helping McCormick to reach the bomb site is a foxy NYU history professor. whose speciality is the New York sewer system. She has all the old maps, knows how to get there, and most importantly, is wearing a white t-shirt for when they inevitably get drenched. There's probably a wisecracking black guy too, but this wasn't really thought out.

Anyway, I bring you... SCENE 1.




SCENE 1

As opening credits roll, dolly camera along a dark, dingy underground tunnel, in what seems like one continues POV shot. At times the shot veers to left or right, following a path through a series of tunnels. The shot is deliberately confusing and claustrophobic: it is never clear exactly where the scene is taking place. The shot continues for several minutes, until a round pattern of light and shade can be seen in the distance. As the camera draws closer and closer, it becomes clear that we are looking at a manhole grille: we can see feet moving over the grille. The camera draws closer and closer...

until it appears to rise through the grille, tracking a pair of men's shoes as they walk away along a city street. Dolly up from the shoes to reveal pants, belt, shirt, badge (the man is revealed to be a police officer), and finally the face. It is JOHN MCCORMICK.


MCCORMICK looks to the top of a nearby high-rise building. A helicppter is circling the building. Red and blue cop car lights reflect off the glass on the walls.


APOLOGETIC COP looks at MCCORMICK quizzically for a moment. Then his mind snaps back to the job at hand.


He quickly strides away over a grassed area towards another group of cops standing by a tree. His partner NED ANDERSON is putting on Kevlar body armour. A group of SWAT personnel is loading semi-automatic weapons. MCCORMICK joins the group and also starts putting on a bulletproof vest.