Friday, April 17, 2009

By poopular demand. I assure you, I really am a very intelligent person who gets a lot of work done in the average workday. However, a few weeks back, my Facebook friend Benjamin Law snarkily commented on the plethora of stupid quizzes that are currently showing up on Facebook by saying, "What's next – 'which poo are you?'"

This was like a red rag to a bull. I couldn't resist actually creating this quiz, but because I am (as I have previously mentioned) extremely intelligent and not interested in procrastination at all during working hours, it has taken me until just now to actually create the quiz. I drew the line, however, at providing images of each poo. There is already a distressing number of very uncompromising results when you do a Google Image Search for "poo".

If you'd like to do the quiz but are not interested in Facebook, then it is reproduced below.

Which Poo Are You?

You won't find a more intellectual - or revealing - Facebook quiz than this one! Discover your innermost personality, through the magic of faeces.

1. You're heading out to eat. What are you in the mood for?
a) Y'know what? Corn on the frickin' cob.
b) I wanna feel the burn – so maybe Sichuan or Indian.
c) At 3am? Okay, a large kebab with extra garlic sauce.
d) A giant salad with plenty of spinach and chickpeas.
e) A triple cheese and bacon burger sandwiched between two steaks.

2. How would you go about wooing that special someone?
a) I keep popping into view and hope they'll notice me eventually.
b) Tell them funny anecdotes. Get me started and I can't seem to shut up.
c) Ply them with liquor. If that doesn't work, I ply myself with liquor.
d) A big smile and a compliment. Simple stuff, but it works.
e) I get so shy that I clam up completely.

3. You're in trouble at work. How come?
a) I'm always hanging around, but never seem to get any actual work done.
b) I yelled at the boss. Don't ask me why; I just kind of exploded.
c) I roll in every day at 11am stinking of booze and gnawing on a KFC Colonel Burger.
d) I spend more time flirting with co-workers than doing my job.
e) I'm so stressed out I haven't left my desk for five days.

4. Describe your dress sense.
a) Bright colours and light, breezy fabrics.
b) Something dramatic; I love to make a bold impression.
c) Dishevelled and covered in mysterious stains.
d) I'm always clothed in silk.
e) Anything, as long as it's skin-tight.

5. Are you worried about the future?
a) Nah, no matter what life throws at me, I always bounce back.
b) I try not to worry because things always happen when you least expect them.
c) Who needs a future when you have tequila?
d) Not really, I can always charm people into helping me out.
e) Oh my god yes! I'm so stressed that sometimes I can't sleep at night.

Mostly As
You're a FLOATER!

Buoyant and tenacious, you can weather any storm(water drain)! No matter whether life gives you the half or the full flush, you're full of beans and bobbing up for more!

Mostly Bs

You're the sexiest poo of all: hot, wet, spicy and explosive! You certainly love to leave your mark. But you're also a poo of impeccable tastes: you'll only come out when there's a poorly refrigerated chicken salad or a delicious bain-marie pizza.

Mostly Cs

Some people have their fun during a night on the town... but the morning after is when you come out to play! Huge, fragrant and incredibly satisfying, you get a day off to a great start.

Mostly Ds

Where did you come from, you smooth devil? It's as though you were clothed in silk! A pleasure to poo and a cinch to flush, you're the old-fashioned lover boy of the faecal world.

Mostly Es

Boy oh boy, you don't like doing things the easy way, do you? Tough as nails and solid as a rock, you're also the stubbornest poo in the bowl. You need to loosen up or you'll give someone a hernia.

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