Sunday, April 12, 2009
Today is one of my 'bad days'. I feel very lonely because I don't have any family events planned this weekend. I haven't gone away, and apart from seeing some comedy with Andrew on Friday night, which was more like work, I haven't seen any friends or done anything sociable. It feels as though the world is passing me by.
This year is also the most involved I've been with the Comedy Festival since I had a show in it four years ago. Reading back through my posts in April 2005, I'm surprised that I didn't write more about how unhappy I was feeling then, and how ostracised I felt by the other comedians. This post is perhaps the best indication.
Anyway, that feeling has been coming back as I go to festival shows and see anew what an incestuous business comedy is. Being a reviewer this time I can take solace in 'critical distance', but I still feel very much on the outer, and I haven't been enjoying hanging around in the bars with people I recognise but don't feel able to approach and talk to. Also, this time I feel isolated from the community of reviewers, in much the same way that I always feel excluded when I go to media screenings in my work as a film reviewer, noticing that all the other film critics seem to know each other and chat to each other.
Will I ever feel at home anywhere, as if I belong with anyone? I'm sick of feeling like an impostor. I realise I shouldn't look to other people for support and validation, and should be able to find resources within myself to get me through times like these. But I can't think of a single thing I like about myself that doesn't have to do with my work. Being smart, and good at having ideas and stringing sentences together, is no consolation for this crushing loneliness.
This year is also the most involved I've been with the Comedy Festival since I had a show in it four years ago. Reading back through my posts in April 2005, I'm surprised that I didn't write more about how unhappy I was feeling then, and how ostracised I felt by the other comedians. This post is perhaps the best indication.
Anyway, that feeling has been coming back as I go to festival shows and see anew what an incestuous business comedy is. Being a reviewer this time I can take solace in 'critical distance', but I still feel very much on the outer, and I haven't been enjoying hanging around in the bars with people I recognise but don't feel able to approach and talk to. Also, this time I feel isolated from the community of reviewers, in much the same way that I always feel excluded when I go to media screenings in my work as a film reviewer, noticing that all the other film critics seem to know each other and chat to each other.
Will I ever feel at home anywhere, as if I belong with anyone? I'm sick of feeling like an impostor. I realise I shouldn't look to other people for support and validation, and should be able to find resources within myself to get me through times like these. But I can't think of a single thing I like about myself that doesn't have to do with my work. Being smart, and good at having ideas and stringing sentences together, is no consolation for this crushing loneliness.
