A Wild Young Under-Whimsy

Ode to North Melbourne.

North Melbourne!
Worst suburb in Melbourne
Fuck I hate you!
The only good thing you have ever offered me
is Graham
Who, of course, I rescued from you
I used to live in you
and it was inconvenient and awful
It was the unhappiest time of my life
I didn't even live in the bit of you with the supermarket
I had to trudge up and down a fucking hill to get groceries

North Melbourne!
When I wanted to meet my friends
in Brunswick: I had to trudge through Royal Park
in Carlton: I had to trudge through Royal Park and then through Melbourne University
in Fitzroy or Collingwood or Northcote:
Well, I had to get a tram into the city and then another tram
Basically, North Melbourne, you are not on the way to anywhere I want to go
except the city
You are an absolute fag-end of a suburb

Just as I moved out and thought I could pretend you never existed
Seeing as I didn't have to go anywhere near you in my day-to-day life
We got an office in an Arts Precinct and I had to work in you
and it was inconvenient and awful
The quickest way to get to work
was to walk for 35 minutes
and there were no decent lunch venues
within easy walking distance
I had to trudge up a fucking hill to get lunch
which was shit anyway
Seeing as half the food venues are closed at any given time of day or night

North Melbourne!
The tram that runs through you is the second worst tram in Melbourne
The 57
(The worst tram being the 78)
Your 'main street' exists away from through traffic
in a Bermuda Triangle
It is like a main street bizarrely cut-and-pasted in from a country town
The shops don't sell anything I would possibly want to buy

North Melbourne!
It is impossible to find a taxi in you at 1am
At these times I don't have words for how much I fucking loathe you
Taxi drivers are sensible men
who would never voluntarily visit you
although sometimes they drive down Curzon Street
fast enough for me to see their lights but not be able to run and catch them
When I finally manage to find a taxi
And it drives across that blessed Swanston Street frontier
Sheer relief floods me


View I Hate Walking in a larger map

Once I tried to catch a taxi home from your equally awful neighbour
West Melbourne
In broad daylight
There were no taxis, of course
Which is the way in these parts
I decided to start walking until a taxi came past
I walked and walked and there were no taxis
Despite the fact I know the taxi depot is right around the corner
I walked 1.6km before I gave up and caught the tram

North Melbourne!
If you were bombed from the face of this town
It would make no difference
It would possibly even improve the place
I cannot describe how much I despise the fact
that people insist on having gigs and parties and shows in you
which I attend under sufferance
Purely for professional reasons
And if I ever manage to find a taxi home
I will write it off on my tax.