A Wild Young Under-Whimsy

The Compleat Stupid Cat Songs. I am actually quite angry with Backupmytweets.com – it claims I've reached my storage limit and is no longer archiving my most recent tweets, but it won't accept my credit card when I try to purchase a 'premium' account. It will only accept credit cards from people in the US, UK and Canada. But then I've noticed that people from the UK are also complaining that they can't upgrade either because the interface will only accept a US state as place of residence, and some of those complaints are a year old.

So clearly I can't rely on it any more to store my tweets. I figure what I'll do is to download the tweets and store them in the cloud myself, then kill my account, then sign up afresh and get it to start archiving them again.

It's a pity, because it's a really easy way to search through your tweets. Hence, before I destroy my account you might as well 'enjoy' all the stupid cat songs I have made up for Graham, as Twitter is where I record them. I've gotta say, my favourite stupid cat song of all time is still one of the dumbest, which I tweeted on 11 September 2010.

14 January 2012
Private Pusscat (to the tune of 'Private Dancer' by Tina Turner)
Annoyed Graham wouldn't sit on my lap, I invented a new #stupidcatsong: "You're my private pusscat/A pusscat for cat food/You'll do what I want you to do…"

6 January 2012
"Grahamy Grahamy
Gimme the mews
I gotta bad case of patting you
No purr's softer than your fur
I gotta bad case of patting you" #stupidcatsongs

17 December 2011
It's not just the #stupidcatsongs but the stupid banter. Just caught myself saying: "It's furry; it's purring; this cat has got the lot!"

17 November 2011
I'm working on a #stupidcatsong to the tune of Curtis Mayfield's 'Pusher Man' – "I'm your pussycat…"

20 October 2011
I blame @elanormcinerney for the fact that I now know a Justin Bieber song for my #stupidcatsongs. "Grahamy, Grahamy, Grahamy-OHHH!"

10 October 2011
"Graham
Feel him on my fingertips
Hear him through my windowpane
My cat's going miaow like
Graham…" #stupidcatsongs #madonna

8 October 2011
Latest #stupidcatsongs: 'In The Catto' to tune of 'In The Ghetto'. It's basically just me crooning in a deep voice, "in the cattoooo…"

6 October 2011
My punch-walking song: 'Cats and Music' by Cat Copy. ("Be my Grahamy one more time…") #stupidcatsongs #stupidwalks

2 October 2011
"Can't feed my, can't feed my
No you can't feed my puffy Graham
He's got to eat no Whiskas…" #stupidcatsongs

21 September 2011
Hello sir, hello ma'am, I'm your f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-FLUFFY GRAHAM! #stupidcatsongs

20 September 2011
New #stupidcatsong - "Oh Graham, let's take some drugs/Drugs will make our lives better".

4 September 2011
Sunday Monday catty Graham
Tuesday Wednesday catty Graham
Thursday Friday catty Graham
The Whiskas comes
The purring hums
I'm ready to give you food
This Graham is ours (Poo on the floor, that catty Graham)
This Graham is ours (Biting our hands, That catty Graham)
This Graham is ours
This catty Graham is yours & mine, catty Graham!

12 August 2011
Made up another #stupidcatsong: "I need a CAT DOOOR/So he can get in and out and in/I need a CAT DOOOR/So I don't have to get up and down again"

17 July 2011
New #stupidcatsongs to the tune Elton John's 'Passengers':
"Deny the fluffy cat, who wanna go out
Wanna come in
He wanna go out…"

6 July 2011
"We're the cats in Australia
We're the cats in Australia
Everybody eat all their food and go miaow" #stupidcatsongs

1 July 2011
"I'm too fluffy for my fur
Too fluffy for my fur
So fluffy I purr
And I'm too fluffy for your party
Too fluffy for your party
No way I'm furniture-scratching…"

30 June 2011
Working on a #stupidcatsong to tune of 'Proud Mary'. So far all I have is "Cat food keep on pourin'/Loud Grahamy keep on miawin'".

30 June 2011
Puff-puffety puff-puffety puff-puff Paree
A Graham is as fluffy as fluffy can be
Puff-puffety puff-puffety puff-puff Peru
His fur will rub off when he sits down on you
Or look at his tail
Cos that's fluffy too

15 June 2011
When I was just a little cat
I asked my owner, "What will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be fat?"
Here's what she said to me:
Puff sera sera
How fluffy you'll be, you'll be
I'll get your fur over me
Puff sera sera
(Fluff you'll be, you'll be)

13 June 2011
Did I ever do any #stupidcatsongs using 'Don't You Want Me' by the Human League?
"You'd better eat it up or we will BOTH BE SORRY
Don't you want it Grahamy
Don't you want your fooood?"

12 June 2011
I've been all around the place
Posting pictures of ya face
Graham I missed you #stupidcatsongs #relievedcatsongs

4 June 2011
I think of tonight's 2 #stupidcatsongs I prefer 'Jellymeat', but I haven't yet explored the potential of 'Don't Stop Til You've Fed A Puff':

Keep going with your Whiskas
Don't stop til you've fed a puff
Keep going with your Whiskas
Don't stop til you've fed a puff

Over and over I feed it
Puss-cat you're alone
You must be out of your mind
Jellymeat, you've really nommed it

2 June 2011
Some of those who buy Whiskas
Are the same that review biscuits
AAAAAAAAAAAARGHH
Feeding in the Graham of
Now you eat what they bought you
Now you eat what they bought you
FUCK YOU I WON'T EAT WHAT YOU BOUGHT ME

26 March 2011
"If your fur's all over my laundry
It don't matter if it's black or white"

20 March 2011
Ooh Grahamy do you know what that's worth
Ooh Whiskas is a food on earth
They say at Whiskas meat comes first
We'll make Whiskas a food on earth… #stupidcatsongs #stupidwhiskasjingles

14 February 2011
"My furry Valentine
Sweet purry Valentine
You make me miaow with my heart…" #stupidcatsongs #corporateloveday

12 February 2011
"Miaow miaow
Grahamooshka Grahamooshka Grahamooshka miaow-yow…" #stupidcatsongs #tipsycatsongs

14 January 2011
"I dreamed a dream in the backyard
That birds were there, and I could catch them
But catching birds is very hard
They fly so fast I cannot match them"

23 December 2010
"I gotta Furball Formula™ for you!
You will not cough 'em up if I feed you this food…" #stupidcatsongs #goodthingidontworkinadvertising

15 December 2010
Miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow
Graham is pretty great
Miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow
He is my little mate

13 December 2010
Ebony and ivory
Live together in furry harmony
Side by side on my pusscat Graham
He is so fluffy!

3 December 2010
Shit on the floor and you're to blame
You give cats a bad name
You do that poo and I cry out "Graham!"
You give cats a bad name

30 November 2010
"Everybody's got a hungry cat
Everybody's got a hungry cat
You feed him cat food and he won't eat that
Everybody's got a hu-u-ungry cat…"

8 November 2010
Who's the black and white cat that's a poo machine upon the mat
GRAHAM!
You're daaaamn right
Who is the cat that would eat his meal then another meal?
GRAHAM!
Can you dig it?
Who's the cat that won't go out
Even though he wanted to go out?
GRAHAM!
Right on!
They say this cat Graham is a bad mother–
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Well I'm talkin' 'bout Graham
Then we can dig it!
He's a complicated cat
But no one understands him but his owner
MIAOWIN' Graham!

30 October 2010
In Aberdeen I used to know
A cat with a miaow and his name was Joe
And every night at 10 I'd pat him in the glen
But I won't be patting this cat again
Especially not in the glen at 10
For now across the lane
I'll go home with bonny Graham.
GO HOME! GO HOME! Go home with bonny Graham!
Go home! Go home, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'LL… go home with bonny Graham!

29 October 2010
It also turned into a tender slowjam 'Graham Smile' to the tune of 'Sara Smile' night. #stupidcatsongs

24 October 2010
"Psycho kitteh, qu'est-ce que c'est?
Fluff-fluffa-fluff-fluffa-fluffa-fluffa!
Better meow meow meow, meow meow meow away!"

23 October 2010
Working on a new #stupidcatsong along lines of "That's why the Grahamy is a cat…"

20 October 2010
Give you just a taste and you want more
Now yr tail is shaky and you use the claws
Now you go a pooin' pooin' on the floor
And I've never known a cat like you before
And now you come along (MIAAAAAAOW)
Yes you come along (MIAAAAAOW)
And I've never known a cat like you before #miaowsolo #stupidcatsongs

8 October 2010
Miaowing hard to make his owner
Leave her shelter from the rain
A hungry one left to carry on
Brown Whiskas in his veins
Whoaaa, he's a fluffy fat cat
Yes he is
I TELL YA HE'S A FLUFFY FAT CAT!

22 September 2010
You got the right puff Grahamy
Love the way you purr and miaow
You got the right puff Grahamy
You're the reason why I sing this #stupidcatsong

11 September 2010
My favourite of all my #stupidcatsongs is pure in its inanity:
"Oh my cat
He's puffy puffy puffy
Oh his fur
Is fluffy fluffy fluffy…"

8 September 2010
"I see you sittin' on my bed on the blanket that's red
And I'm like
Puff you
I guess the food in your bowl just wasn't enough
I'm like
Puff you, you're so fluffy too"

24 July 2010
"Oh you fluffy thing
Don't you know you're driving your owner and housemates insane?" (done this one before, but it's a fave) #stupidcatsongs

24 July 2010
The fur is long
With many a whining miaow
That leads to his bowl
His bowl of food
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He's quite heavy
He's my puffa

22 July 2010
@Lu_Mo I would be happy to make videos of #stupidcatsongs. I thought of another one today 'Fluff Is The Puff' to tune of 'Love Is The Drug'.

5 July 2010
It's only my hatred of Lady Gaga that stops me mining the rich vein of 'Gra-Gra' possibilities for #stupidcatsongs.

30 June 2010
'Like A Puff' (to 'Like A Boss' by Slim Thug) "Who the puff, kitteh, who the muthafuckin' puff?" #stupidcatsongs

26 June 2010
A real low for #stupidcatsongs - 'Melly's Cat' to the tune of 'Jessie's Girl'. "Where can I find a kitteh like that?"

6 June 2010
"I fed a cat and I liked it
The smell of his Whiskas Jellymeat…" #stupidcatsongs

26 May 2010
My own shame is that I've just been singing ['Baby Baby' by Amy Grant] as a #stupidcatsong - "Grahamy, Grahamy".

25 May 2010: Theme From Karate Cat II
I am a cat who would miaow for your Whiskas
I'll be the nuisance that you're dreaming of
We'll eat together
Knowing forever
That we did it all for the furry of puff
(We did it all for puff)
Like a cat in shining collar
With a long tail below
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my food bowl far away

18 May 2010
To the tune of 'Hangin' Tough':
"Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
Hangin' puff
Are you puff enough?

14 May 2010
To tune of 'I Got A Girl' by Tripping Daisy: "I got a cat who lives with me/I got a cat who miaows so sweetly…"

30 April 2010
To tune of 'Kickstart My Heart' - 'Quick, Pat My Cat'.

12 April 2010
"All the cats in da house, c'mon, lemme hear ya say miaaaaow!" *silence, cat looks dully at me* #stupidcatsongs

8 April 2010
"Bye bye Graaaaaaahamy!" Sadly, Graham doesn't appreciate my Ann-Margret impression. #stupidcatsongs

1 April 2010
#stupidcatsong shame, to the tune of '9 To 5':
"He's got tufts of puff
He's very very fluffy
He's got just enough
To be all soft and cuddly"

15 March 2010
Workshopping a new #stupidcatsong: we are Mel and Grahamfunkel! So far: "Hello pusscat, why ya miaowin'" and "Doo-do doo-do, feelin' hungry".

1 March 2010
"Jump down turn around, eat a bowl of chicken
Jump down turn around, eat a bowl a day!
Oh Graham! eat a bowl of chicken
Oh Graham! Eat a bowl a day!"

1 March 2010
D'oh, Simon just busted me serenading Graham with my Frankie Vallee #stupidcatsong "Grahamy baby/Grahamy can you come in tonight…"

25 February 2010
@tashludowyk Great minds clearly think alike, as I'd already done "Don't stop miaowing/keep on with that howling…"

25 February 2010
Can't believe it has taken me over a year to think of a #stupidcatsong to the tune of 'Fame' by Irene Cara.

14 February 2010
"Grahamy, Grahamy
Where did my puff go?
Leaving just his fur behind
And I've vacuumed a thousand times" #supremes #stupidcatsongs

Haha, just realised that #stupidcatsong is a mashup of 'Where Did Our Love Go' and 'I Can't Help Myself'. Both Holland/Dozier/Holland songs.

28 January 2010
To the tune of the David Bowie Extras song: "See his rabbit fur/Puff puff/puff puff" #stupidcatsongs

9 January 2010
Embarrassingly, I'm pretty sure Paul overheard my 'Copacabana'-inspired #stupidcatsong - "His name was Graham, he was a pusscat…"

17 December 2009
A Fantail original composition: "Oh kitten I gotcha/Gotcha gotcha Graham/Oh kitten I gotcha/Gotcha gotcha Graham" #stupidcatsongs

21 October 2009
To the tune of Boney M's 'Rasputin':
"Gra-Gra, fluffy cat
Lover of scratching the mat
He was a cat that really could shed…" #stupidcatsongs

5 October 2009
Worst #stupidcatsong ever: "Oh little cat, you are a small cat, I find you very fluffy." This is the stuff I hope housemates never overhear.

4 October 2009
Pon de couch, singing along to the Rolling Stones: "Grahaaaaaaam is by my side, yes he is!" #stupidcatsongs

19 August 2009
"The cream is a wish your cat makes, when you're fast asleep
With cream he will wake your flatmates…" #stupidcatsongs

29 July 2009
To the tune of 'My Name Is Prince': "My name is Graham/And I am fluffy!" #stupidcatsongs

29 July 2009
To the tune of 'Superfreak': "He's a supercat, supercat, he's super-fluffeh, MIAOW!" #stupidcatsongs

24 July 2009
Oh! So puffy! Oh-oh! Tail so puffy! Oh! So puffy! Me love you long time! #stupidcatsongs

21 July 2009
Have reached a delirious state in which #stupidcatsongs have degenerated into a single repeated line: "Puffy puffy tail, puff-puff!"

3 July 2009
New #stupidcatsongs band: Cat Copy! With song 'Caturdays': "When I'm looking for you/I call your name but you don't want food"

26 June 2009
"If you're thinkin' of being mah kitteh, it don't matter if you're black or white" #stupidcatsongsmichaeljacksonmemorialedition

12 June 2009
To the tune of Nick Cave 'Do You Love Me?' "And the bells on his collar went jingle! jangle!" #stupidcatsongs

12 June 2009
To the tune of 'Owner Of A Lonely Heart' - "Owner of a fluffy cat". #stupidcatsongs

10 June 2009
This cat is
this cat is
this cat is squeaknotronic
this cat is squeaknotronic
and Mel has
got Whiskas
for him

23 March 2009
"His name was Graham
he was a kitten
he liked to scratch me with his claws
and kick his litter on the floor"

Finding my daemon. This is so dumb, but I've been interested in the idea of a daemon, as in His Dark Materials. I've also been reading Gregory Maguire's 'Wicked Years' books which feature talking Animals, some of whom bond closely with humans.

I've been looking at websites that are very serious about the concept of identifying and speaking to a part of yourself that manifests as an imaginary animal companion. The advice they give you is to start listening for an inner voice commenting on your activities.

I have actually found it consoling lately to have silent conversations with myself, imagining that the other person is sympathetic and an ally. Someone who's always on my side and can help me figure out what to do. I think in psychology they call this 'self-soothing'.

They advise that you start imagining a different voice for this part of you, and then you try on different genders and animal forms to see which ones feel 'right'. I can't yet imagine a different voice apart from my voice but they say it can take time.

I did a stupid test which basically interpreted me as being very shy and withdrawn and suggested my daemon would be a rabbit or dormouse. This made me sad, because I remember being a confident, outgoing child, a leader among my friends; what has happened to me?

It would be good to have a daemon that would nestle in your lap and that you could pat, but I envisaged something larger and fiercer than a rabbit. Something that could defend you when you felt under attack.

The weird thing is that I look at Graham and go, "Is he my daemon? My familiar?" then I realise he isn't. That a pet is not the same as a daemon. I can't even get him to sit in my lap half the time, and I get the feeling he doesn't really give a shit about me except as a source of food. Although sometimes I worry that he is actually a Cat who chooses not to talk, and he has just been quietly judging me for my stupid cat songs and ridiculous cat-lady chatter.

Am I going crazy? Is this the start of being a proper Crazy Cat Lady?

This shit is my shit. It's somewhat of a blogging genre, the "cop this, I suffer from depression" blog post. I've always held off from writing one because I worry that what I have isn't severe enough to be called 'depression' and so it's narcissistic of me to talk about it. Also, a while back I decided to maintain a more transparent online presence and some people link my name, in a professional capacity, to this blog, which makes me reluctant to discuss personal weaknesses here.

I've never self-harmed or attempted suicide. I've never been hospitalised or been prescribed antidepressants. Mostly I have no trouble sleeping and can get out of bed okay and get through my day, and I still find ordinary things funny and delightful.

However, I just did a self-test at the Black Dog Institute and scored 24. They say anyone who scores higher than 9 should seek professional help. I'm able to look back and identify certain bad years in my life as periods of depressive breakdown, and I realise that not everyone lives with constant, crushing self-criticism, or obsessively weighs their achievements against those of their peers, or dwells wretchedly on humiliations large and small, ancient and recent.

I always have a constant background hum of panic in my head that goes, "DO WORK DO WORK WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING STOP SLACKING OFF GET BACK TO WORK WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING HERE DO SOME WORK DO WORK THEY KNOW YOU'RE NOT WORKING GET BACK TO WORK EVERYONE ELSE IS WORKING WHY AREN'T YOU…" and so on. A sample:

"So many people I know have got book deals; I'm falling behind! It's not because they're better writers, I'm just lazier. Some people get up at 6am and get a few thousand words down before they go to work. There's no way around it; if I'd worked harder and used my time better I could have got a book deal by now."

"Get up, get UP – why am I lazing around in bed until 10am when everyone else is up at 6am? Why did I go back to bed after I let the cat out – I just wasted three hours of working time."

"Look at X and Y and Z – they can juggle lots of different freelance gigs successfully; I should be able to do it too. The only reason I'm so stressed is because I'm lazy and disorganised. Stop making excuses for yourself all the time Mel – get off your arse and actually do work like X and Y and Z. You don't see them whingeing on the internet. Less whingeing, more working."

"Oh my god I can't believe X achieved so much in 2011 – what did I achieve? Nothing – I just wrote some stupid stories and reviews that nobody even read anyway. I only saw half the films other reviewers did; I only read a quarter of the books. How does everyone manage to watch so many TV shows? It feels like all I do is work and what do I even have to show for it?"

It gets to the point where I escape to sit in a café and read my book for a couple of hours (usually a review book, because then I can fool myself that it's 'work'), and then I feel guilty that I haven't been working and the voice kicks in again.

Basically I feel that my entire life is work and I feel lonely and loathe myself for loving my cat so much. The voice also tells me how ugly and fat and generally unlovable I am, and compares me unfavourably to my friends, who are all starting to settle down with partners and kids, whereas the only thing of value I have to offer the world is my work, so I'd better get back to it.

I have been seeing a psychologist weekly since 2009, although I had to stop late last year because I could no longer afford it, and since I'm still struggling financially, I don't think I can begin again now. (Yes, yes, I am aware of the rebate.) At times I've felt 'better' and worried that these appointments are just an indulgence, that I'm just an ordinary person with the same problems everyone faces, and here I am paying someone to listen to me rabbit on about my shit.

But then today Desci told me on Twitter that I needed this mug. I was crushed. I felt so alone. This underlined for me that maybe a professional is the best person with whom to talk about my feelings.

The film Young Adult spoke to me in a very personal way; although I was never beautiful or conventionally popular the way Charlize Theron's character Mavis Gary was, I saw myself in the way her life is so empty except for her anonymous, low-status writing, and I thought I understood what motivated her to try to recapture her 'best' days.

I've had that feeling a lot over the last couple of years; that feeling of doors closing when dudes I used to know have kids. Unlike Mavis, I see that as an ending, a sign that here's another guy I'll never have. But there's also the sadness of seeing people fulfilled by more than their work, or – even worse – succeeding at work and succeeding in their personal lives.

Today I also feel I have Mavis's repellent qualities – her narcissism and self-pity. I feel as though nobody likes me, but then I feel ashamed for feeling this way because only a self-pitying narcissist would.

I've always felt that the right place for 'feelings' is on my blog, and oddly enough this is actually the place where the fewest people are likely to see them. This blog gets an average of maybe 30 visitors per day, whereas I have hundreds of Facebook friends and dozens of Twitter followers. I'll probably regret posting this, but since it's taken like four hours at this stage I should just press publish.

Shit Hair Tutorial: 'Award Ceremony Hair'. My hair has been getting pretty long lately because I have been too poor to get it cut. Anyway, so I have been playing with my hair and watching various YouTube hair tutorials to the point where YouTube's suggested videos on my home page are split between hair tutorials and my other great love, videos of boils being lanced and impacted wax being removed from ear canals.

Anyway, I decided that although I can't be arsed actually photographing or videoing myself, I will give you my shit step-by-step guide to achieving what I call 'Award Ceremony Hair'. This is a style in which your hair is gathered loosely into a chignon behind one ear. It is popular among female celebrities at award ceremonies. Here are some photos:









As you can see, I have chosen some ladies who feature in my Celebrity Ranga Swatch Chart. I feel Nicole's is too messy for my taste; I prefer a sleek version like Diane Kruger's. Also, since I have a fringe, the effect on me looks more like this example of Emma Stone. Also, the bride wears this hairstyle in the shit new Australian 'comedy' A Few Best Men.



So basically, how I do it is I part my hair to one side, and then I twist the hair inwards on both sides – like this video but not as tightly – and fasten in a low ponytail behind one ear. Then I twist that and turn it into a bun.

I have heavy hair and real problems with making it stay, so I have had more success pinning the bun in as I go so it doesn't prolapse into a Nicole Kidman-esque mess. Also, I don't pin straight into the bun; I insert it then twist the pin at a 90-degree angle, which is another tip I got from YouTube. This seems to hold my hair better.

Variations on Award Ceremony hair are to use a hair donut to create a larger, sleeker chignon more like the one Adele wears in her 'Cold Shoulder' video, and to pin the ponytail in several pin curls rather than one bun. I made a hair donut by cutting the toes off an old pair of socks, rolling them up and then covering the resulting donut with old hairbrush hair that I have been hoarding. (It's the old-fashioned way.)

Also, for my cousin's wedding in December I did a reverse bun, where I rolled my hair into a spiral from the outside and tucked the ends into the middle.

Books I consumed in 2011. Ugh, I know I said I wasn't going to do any more of these posts, but I can't help myself. I'm not going to do those detailed notes that I did for the films, but here's a list, followed by some basic statistical observations.

First, the list – I only managed to finish 46 books, which is pretty pitiful. Even more pitiful is the number I actually got to review or otherwise comment on; I've linked to these. Some of the comments are from The Enthusiast e-newsletter, so you might need to scroll down to find them. I also made some early comments back in May.