Monday, January 30, 2012

The Compleat Stupid Cat Songs. I am actually quite angry with – it claims I've reached my storage limit and is no longer archiving my most recent tweets, but it won't accept my credit card when I try to purchase a 'premium' account. It will only accept credit cards from people in the US, UK and Canada. But then I've noticed that people from the UK are also complaining that they can't upgrade either because the interface will only accept a US state as place of residence, and some of those complaints are a year old.

So clearly I can't rely on it any more to store my tweets. I figure what I'll do is to download the tweets and store them in the cloud myself, then kill my account, then sign up afresh and get it to start archiving them again.

It's a pity, because it's a really easy way to search through your tweets. Hence, before I destroy my account you might as well 'enjoy' all the stupid cat songs I have made up for Graham, as Twitter is where I record them. I've gotta say, my favourite stupid cat song of all time is still one of the dumbest, which I tweeted on 11 September 2010.

14 January 2012
Private Pusscat (to the tune of 'Private Dancer' by Tina Turner)
Annoyed Graham wouldn't sit on my lap, I invented a new #stupidcatsong: "You're my private pusscat/A pusscat for cat food/You'll do what I want you to do…"

6 January 2012
"Grahamy Grahamy
Gimme the mews
I gotta bad case of patting you
No purr's softer than your fur
I gotta bad case of patting you" #stupidcatsongs

17 December 2011
It's not just the #stupidcatsongs but the stupid banter. Just caught myself saying: "It's furry; it's purring; this cat has got the lot!"

17 November 2011
I'm working on a #stupidcatsong to the tune of Curtis Mayfield's 'Pusher Man' – "I'm your pussycat…"

20 October 2011
I blame @elanormcinerney for the fact that I now know a Justin Bieber song for my #stupidcatsongs. "Grahamy, Grahamy, Grahamy-OHHH!"

10 October 2011
Feel him on my fingertips
Hear him through my windowpane
My cat's going miaow like
Graham…" #stupidcatsongs #madonna

8 October 2011
Latest #stupidcatsongs: 'In The Catto' to tune of 'In The Ghetto'. It's basically just me crooning in a deep voice, "in the cattoooo…"

6 October 2011
My punch-walking song: 'Cats and Music' by Cat Copy. ("Be my Grahamy one more time…") #stupidcatsongs #stupidwalks

2 October 2011
"Can't feed my, can't feed my
No you can't feed my puffy Graham
He's got to eat no Whiskas…" #stupidcatsongs

21 September 2011
Hello sir, hello ma'am, I'm your f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-FLUFFY GRAHAM! #stupidcatsongs

20 September 2011
New #stupidcatsong - "Oh Graham, let's take some drugs/Drugs will make our lives better".

4 September 2011
Sunday Monday catty Graham
Tuesday Wednesday catty Graham
Thursday Friday catty Graham
The Whiskas comes
The purring hums
I'm ready to give you food
This Graham is ours (Poo on the floor, that catty Graham)
This Graham is ours (Biting our hands, That catty Graham)
This Graham is ours
This catty Graham is yours & mine, catty Graham!

12 August 2011
Made up another #stupidcatsong: "I need a CAT DOOOR/So he can get in and out and in/I need a CAT DOOOR/So I don't have to get up and down again"

17 July 2011
New #stupidcatsongs to the tune Elton John's 'Passengers':
"Deny the fluffy cat, who wanna go out
Wanna come in
He wanna go out…"

6 July 2011
"We're the cats in Australia
We're the cats in Australia
Everybody eat all their food and go miaow" #stupidcatsongs

1 July 2011
"I'm too fluffy for my fur
Too fluffy for my fur
So fluffy I purr
And I'm too fluffy for your party
Too fluffy for your party
No way I'm furniture-scratching…"

30 June 2011
Working on a #stupidcatsong to tune of 'Proud Mary'. So far all I have is "Cat food keep on pourin'/Loud Grahamy keep on miawin'".

30 June 2011
Puff-puffety puff-puffety puff-puff Paree
A Graham is as fluffy as fluffy can be
Puff-puffety puff-puffety puff-puff Peru
His fur will rub off when he sits down on you
Or look at his tail
Cos that's fluffy too

15 June 2011
When I was just a little cat
I asked my owner, "What will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be fat?"
Here's what she said to me:
Puff sera sera
How fluffy you'll be, you'll be
I'll get your fur over me
Puff sera sera
(Fluff you'll be, you'll be)

13 June 2011
Did I ever do any #stupidcatsongs using 'Don't You Want Me' by the Human League?
"You'd better eat it up or we will BOTH BE SORRY
Don't you want it Grahamy
Don't you want your fooood?"

12 June 2011
I've been all around the place
Posting pictures of ya face
Graham I missed you #stupidcatsongs #relievedcatsongs

4 June 2011
I think of tonight's 2 #stupidcatsongs I prefer 'Jellymeat', but I haven't yet explored the potential of 'Don't Stop Til You've Fed A Puff':

Keep going with your Whiskas
Don't stop til you've fed a puff
Keep going with your Whiskas
Don't stop til you've fed a puff

Over and over I feed it
Puss-cat you're alone
You must be out of your mind
Jellymeat, you've really nommed it

2 June 2011
Some of those who buy Whiskas
Are the same that review biscuits
Feeding in the Graham of
Now you eat what they bought you
Now you eat what they bought you

26 March 2011
"If your fur's all over my laundry
It don't matter if it's black or white"

20 March 2011
Ooh Grahamy do you know what that's worth
Ooh Whiskas is a food on earth
They say at Whiskas meat comes first
We'll make Whiskas a food on earth… #stupidcatsongs #stupidwhiskasjingles

14 February 2011
"My furry Valentine
Sweet purry Valentine
You make me miaow with my heart…" #stupidcatsongs #corporateloveday

12 February 2011
"Miaow miaow
Grahamooshka Grahamooshka Grahamooshka miaow-yow…" #stupidcatsongs #tipsycatsongs

14 January 2011
"I dreamed a dream in the backyard
That birds were there, and I could catch them
But catching birds is very hard
They fly so fast I cannot match them"

23 December 2010
"I gotta Furball Formula™ for you!
You will not cough 'em up if I feed you this food…" #stupidcatsongs #goodthingidontworkinadvertising

15 December 2010
Miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow
Graham is pretty great
Miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow
He is my little mate

13 December 2010
Ebony and ivory
Live together in furry harmony
Side by side on my pusscat Graham
He is so fluffy!

3 December 2010
Shit on the floor and you're to blame
You give cats a bad name
You do that poo and I cry out "Graham!"
You give cats a bad name

30 November 2010
"Everybody's got a hungry cat
Everybody's got a hungry cat
You feed him cat food and he won't eat that
Everybody's got a hu-u-ungry cat…"

8 November 2010
Who's the black and white cat that's a poo machine upon the mat
You're daaaamn right
Who is the cat that would eat his meal then another meal?
Can you dig it?
Who's the cat that won't go out
Even though he wanted to go out?
Right on!
They say this cat Graham is a bad mother–
Well I'm talkin' 'bout Graham
Then we can dig it!
He's a complicated cat
But no one understands him but his owner
MIAOWIN' Graham!

30 October 2010
In Aberdeen I used to know
A cat with a miaow and his name was Joe
And every night at 10 I'd pat him in the glen
But I won't be patting this cat again
Especially not in the glen at 10
For now across the lane
I'll go home with bonny Graham.
GO HOME! GO HOME! Go home with bonny Graham!
Go home! Go home, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'LL… go home with bonny Graham!

29 October 2010
It also turned into a tender slowjam 'Graham Smile' to the tune of 'Sara Smile' night. #stupidcatsongs

24 October 2010
"Psycho kitteh, qu'est-ce que c'est?
Better meow meow meow, meow meow meow away!"

23 October 2010
Working on a new #stupidcatsong along lines of "That's why the Grahamy is a cat…"

20 October 2010
Give you just a taste and you want more
Now yr tail is shaky and you use the claws
Now you go a pooin' pooin' on the floor
And I've never known a cat like you before
And now you come along (MIAAAAAAOW)
Yes you come along (MIAAAAAOW)
And I've never known a cat like you before #miaowsolo #stupidcatsongs

8 October 2010
Miaowing hard to make his owner
Leave her shelter from the rain
A hungry one left to carry on
Brown Whiskas in his veins
Whoaaa, he's a fluffy fat cat
Yes he is

22 September 2010
You got the right puff Grahamy
Love the way you purr and miaow
You got the right puff Grahamy
You're the reason why I sing this #stupidcatsong

11 September 2010
My favourite of all my #stupidcatsongs is pure in its inanity:
"Oh my cat
He's puffy puffy puffy
Oh his fur
Is fluffy fluffy fluffy…"

8 September 2010
"I see you sittin' on my bed on the blanket that's red
And I'm like
Puff you
I guess the food in your bowl just wasn't enough
I'm like
Puff you, you're so fluffy too"

24 July 2010
"Oh you fluffy thing
Don't you know you're driving your owner and housemates insane?" (done this one before, but it's a fave) #stupidcatsongs

24 July 2010
The fur is long
With many a whining miaow
That leads to his bowl
His bowl of food
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He's quite heavy
He's my puffa

22 July 2010
@Lu_Mo I would be happy to make videos of #stupidcatsongs. I thought of another one today 'Fluff Is The Puff' to tune of 'Love Is The Drug'.

5 July 2010
It's only my hatred of Lady Gaga that stops me mining the rich vein of 'Gra-Gra' possibilities for #stupidcatsongs.

30 June 2010
'Like A Puff' (to 'Like A Boss' by Slim Thug) "Who the puff, kitteh, who the muthafuckin' puff?" #stupidcatsongs

26 June 2010
A real low for #stupidcatsongs - 'Melly's Cat' to the tune of 'Jessie's Girl'. "Where can I find a kitteh like that?"

6 June 2010
"I fed a cat and I liked it
The smell of his Whiskas Jellymeat…" #stupidcatsongs

26 May 2010
My own shame is that I've just been singing ['Baby Baby' by Amy Grant] as a #stupidcatsong - "Grahamy, Grahamy".

25 May 2010: Theme From Karate Cat II
I am a cat who would miaow for your Whiskas
I'll be the nuisance that you're dreaming of
We'll eat together
Knowing forever
That we did it all for the furry of puff
(We did it all for puff)
Like a cat in shining collar
With a long tail below
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my food bowl far away

18 May 2010
To the tune of 'Hangin' Tough':
Hangin' puff
Are you puff enough?

14 May 2010
To tune of 'I Got A Girl' by Tripping Daisy: "I got a cat who lives with me/I got a cat who miaows so sweetly…"

30 April 2010
To tune of 'Kickstart My Heart' - 'Quick, Pat My Cat'.

12 April 2010
"All the cats in da house, c'mon, lemme hear ya say miaaaaow!" *silence, cat looks dully at me* #stupidcatsongs

8 April 2010
"Bye bye Graaaaaaahamy!" Sadly, Graham doesn't appreciate my Ann-Margret impression. #stupidcatsongs

1 April 2010
#stupidcatsong shame, to the tune of '9 To 5':
"He's got tufts of puff
He's very very fluffy
He's got just enough
To be all soft and cuddly"

15 March 2010
Workshopping a new #stupidcatsong: we are Mel and Grahamfunkel! So far: "Hello pusscat, why ya miaowin'" and "Doo-do doo-do, feelin' hungry".

1 March 2010
"Jump down turn around, eat a bowl of chicken
Jump down turn around, eat a bowl a day!
Oh Graham! eat a bowl of chicken
Oh Graham! Eat a bowl a day!"

1 March 2010
D'oh, Simon just busted me serenading Graham with my Frankie Vallee #stupidcatsong "Grahamy baby/Grahamy can you come in tonight…"

25 February 2010
@tashludowyk Great minds clearly think alike, as I'd already done "Don't stop miaowing/keep on with that howling…"

25 February 2010
Can't believe it has taken me over a year to think of a #stupidcatsong to the tune of 'Fame' by Irene Cara.

14 February 2010
"Grahamy, Grahamy
Where did my puff go?
Leaving just his fur behind
And I've vacuumed a thousand times" #supremes #stupidcatsongs

Haha, just realised that #stupidcatsong is a mashup of 'Where Did Our Love Go' and 'I Can't Help Myself'. Both Holland/Dozier/Holland songs.

28 January 2010
To the tune of the David Bowie Extras song: "See his rabbit fur/Puff puff/puff puff" #stupidcatsongs

9 January 2010
Embarrassingly, I'm pretty sure Paul overheard my 'Copacabana'-inspired #stupidcatsong - "His name was Graham, he was a pusscat…"

17 December 2009
A Fantail original composition: "Oh kitten I gotcha/Gotcha gotcha Graham/Oh kitten I gotcha/Gotcha gotcha Graham" #stupidcatsongs

21 October 2009
To the tune of Boney M's 'Rasputin':
"Gra-Gra, fluffy cat
Lover of scratching the mat
He was a cat that really could shed…" #stupidcatsongs

5 October 2009
Worst #stupidcatsong ever: "Oh little cat, you are a small cat, I find you very fluffy." This is the stuff I hope housemates never overhear.

4 October 2009
Pon de couch, singing along to the Rolling Stones: "Grahaaaaaaam is by my side, yes he is!" #stupidcatsongs

19 August 2009
"The cream is a wish your cat makes, when you're fast asleep
With cream he will wake your flatmates…" #stupidcatsongs

29 July 2009
To the tune of 'My Name Is Prince': "My name is Graham/And I am fluffy!" #stupidcatsongs

29 July 2009
To the tune of 'Superfreak': "He's a supercat, supercat, he's super-fluffeh, MIAOW!" #stupidcatsongs

24 July 2009
Oh! So puffy! Oh-oh! Tail so puffy! Oh! So puffy! Me love you long time! #stupidcatsongs

21 July 2009
Have reached a delirious state in which #stupidcatsongs have degenerated into a single repeated line: "Puffy puffy tail, puff-puff!"

3 July 2009
New #stupidcatsongs band: Cat Copy! With song 'Caturdays': "When I'm looking for you/I call your name but you don't want food"

26 June 2009
"If you're thinkin' of being mah kitteh, it don't matter if you're black or white" #stupidcatsongsmichaeljacksonmemorialedition

12 June 2009
To the tune of Nick Cave 'Do You Love Me?' "And the bells on his collar went jingle! jangle!" #stupidcatsongs

12 June 2009
To the tune of 'Owner Of A Lonely Heart' - "Owner of a fluffy cat". #stupidcatsongs

10 June 2009
This cat is
this cat is
this cat is squeaknotronic
this cat is squeaknotronic
and Mel has
got Whiskas
for him

23 March 2009
"His name was Graham
he was a kitten
he liked to scratch me with his claws
and kick his litter on the floor"

Further to my '9 to 5' song I have just made up more, so the full song goes:

He's got tufts of puff
He's very very fluffy
He's got just enough
To be all soft and cuddly
It just loosens up
And everywhere he'll shed it
It's enough to drive you
Crazy if you let it
Tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen
Pour that cat a bowl of ambition…
Today I was thinking about something to the tune of 'Cotton Eye Joe': "Kitten Eye Graham". What a hoedown I had, holding a mortified-looking cat and bouncing up and down the hallway to that.
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